Life in boxes

My hands are rough today, chapped.  Not good for putting on tights.

Tonight I was going through some boxes under my bed and in my closet.  I wonder when we start to outgrow the things we used to love.  Clothes, toys, books.  Ideas.  People, even.  So many things have come and gone, and I hate the inconsistency at times.  There's been enough of it around here.  Sometimes I wish that some things would stay consistent.  I wish people didn't leave, didn't change.

Trusting, leaning, learning.
Psalm 46:1

hungry hungry

Cold nights call for snuggling.  Meet Hungry, my pillow pet!  He has enough fat stores to outlive half the population in a famine.  No wonder why we get along so well, we're practically the same :) I got a blanket pet to keep him company when I'm at work. (top right)

21st of October

Today was just like any other day.  Drove to work, drove back.  Took a nap, went to the lake, ate dinner at home.  A lot of peace and quiet, which is what I've been immersing myself in lately.  I think I'm supposed to write some long, reflective post on the past year and what I learned from it.  Haha.  I thought about making a list of twenty-two things I've learned, but that seems a bit lengthy and my medicine's starting to kick in.  So I thought I'd just write about whatever came to mind.

Last year was so...hard.  I didn't think I'd make it through.  Didn't want to at one point.  It's scary, how easy it is to hide, to pretend that everything is going okay when you're falling apart inside.  One day at work, I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I started this blog as a place to privately store all my thoughts.  I hadn't written in so long, I barely remembered what it felt like.

Reading my old posts brings me back to the thoughts and struggles I went through as I sat and tried to write.  I couldn't really because the walls were still there.  But in the course of the year, so much happened.  This was the year I cracked, the year the Lord put me back together.  This year, He changed my heart.  This year, I could say that I was not ashamed anymore.  I stopped searching, and found my purpose.  I can now give a reason for the hope that I have.

A lot of people ask me how it is living back home, especially with my parents haha.  Truth be said, it's difficult at times.  Some days I wonder how long I'm going to be here.  One year?  Five?  Don't get me wrong, they're the best parents I could ask for.  It's just that often I wonder when the next chapter of my life is going to start, the one dearest to my heart.

Forgive me friends, if I didn't respond to your texts or voicemails today.  I did read and listen to everyone's messages!  It's just that this year was the first I spent time with the Lord, to re-think, praise, and dedicate this next one for Him.  But know that I am blessed by and thankful for each one of you!  Thanks for the love :)

K one more thing before I sleep.

My mom writes a card every year for my birthday.  They always make me tear up a bit, but this year I just about burst into tears when I read the last few lines.  Thank you Mom, for your encouragement.  For being spot on, as stubborn and unyielding as I am.

She ended with this:

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Make a list of your dreams and hopes - 
lift them up in prayer to the Lord 
and see what He will do.  

New beginnings, new heights.

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

Rewind, pause, fast forward

Why are chick flicks so sappy...but so...good...omg.

If you're single they remind you just how, well, single you are haha.   I work with a team of amazing ladies, most of whom are married with kids.  Every day you hear some story about how person X's husband forgot to take the roast out the oven and almost burned down the house, or how person Y's 6-year-old spewed soup all over the dog during dinner.  Or something like that.

Hearing stories like that, spending the majority of my week with women who are older and have settled down, makes me want the future ever so much more.  I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy.  Tired of guys who aren't serious about you or themselves.  Tired of putting years of my life into relationships that in the end, didn't go down the right path.

My greatest struggle this year was giving up my past to the Lord.  Leaving it behind and moving forward with my life was the most freedom I'd ever felt.  Freedom from sin's hold, freedom from fear.  Still I know there is a purpose behind everything, and we wouldn't be the people we are today without the past.  My struggle now is learning to live in the present instead of the future.  Ironic, isn't it?  I know He is forming and molding me in His timing, but sometimes it's so hard to not want to fast forward the process a bit.

Today my co-worker asked what my five year plan was.  I laughed at first, then had to think for a moment.  Nothing really happens the way you plan it, does it?  I can and often do however, dream of what might happen.  There are places to go, people to see, things to experience.  But the one person I want to do it all with just...isn't around yet. 

Please don't laugh.

It's been ages since I picked my guitar up and played, really played.
Please don't laugh.

I want a RC-2 loop station -.-

Fragments of a Rainy Day

It's Wednesday night, sitting on my bed without makeup on.  From here I can feel the cold air from the window across the room.  Mom always closes the window at night.  I like to listen to the sounds it makes when it rains, so I wait until she falls asleep to open it again.

Had the day off today, the house was empty by the time I woke up.  My cold is getting worse.  Felt tired so I mozed around and organized for a bit.  Usually you can tell the day is passing when the light starts shifting across the windows.  Today it was cloudy, so I couldn't read the time.  Went outside to take some photos of the wet pavement, then it started drizzling so I ran back inside.  The house was quiet, empty, but peaceful.  Fell asleep with a book then woke up shivering to the pitter patter.  Laid in bed listening to the rain falling, and lost track of the time.

I remember the last time it rained this much.  The streets flooded so bad they had to close the one to our apartment for a bit.  I miss the apartment with Kat.  I miss our little room, the warm glow of the Christmas lights on her face as we stayed up late talking about the silly things, then the more important things, on our minds and hearts.  Never a moment wasted with her.    

God is so good!  In the moment right before the seemingly impossible, the unbearable, He has always come to my rescue.  What stands in the way of you and our God?  What is of Him, and what is not?  Seek wholeheartedly, and you will find Him.

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Jeremiah 29:13

Early Mornings

My body has fallen into the routine of getting up by five, so this is considered sleeping in for me. -.-

This week was the most difficult one in a while, struggled with just about everything I've been working so hard to change.  My body feels weak, physically spent.  Emotionally drained, and spiritually struggling.  I was clearing out my inbox and came across this one email from Kat, and thought I'd share it.

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feesh<3 

i came across this facebook status and it reminded me of the trials that life often throws at us but we do have hope in our Maker :) i hope you find encouragement in it.

“And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver” – Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.  One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.  She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.  As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up, He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.  The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.”  She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.  The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.  If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment.  Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?”  He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy–when I see my image in it.”

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Such an encouragement to read Kat, even months later :)  In the process of being tested, refined, He is right there.  All the world seems to fall away when your eyes are on Jesus.

On another note, really enjoying the weather cool-down!  Autumn and winter are my favorite seasons.  Pretty much because of the weather...haha kidding, but I could go on about winter and Christmastime.  Eager for Christmastime this year.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

Owned.

Easy, queasy

It's 11 AM, sitting in a heap of feathers and fabric playing Bizarre Love Triangle on repeat.  80's music is the bomb!  My stomach however, is not feeling too hot.

Made blueberry banana pancakes for the brother this morning, felt like old times.  Chris is home for about a week, then back to New York to finish up his last year at SUNY.  It's nice having someone else at home.  Ever since he left I've felt like an only child, surrounded by the eerie quiet of the empty house.

Life is going great, really great.  It's crazy how everything starts falling into place as you put your trust back into the Lord.  And not in the way you anticipate either.  Recently He's been teaching me to care more about the things that really matter, and less about the things that don't.  I'm at the place in my walk where I'm re-learning what it means to be right with God, to walk alongside Him without expectations or hidden agendas, without doubt.  I've been awakened, gently, from this previous year of being stagnant in my faith, by a Sovereign God whose love is steadfast, His grace unyielding.  I'm doing things I haven't done in years.  I feel refreshed.

(Wish I could say the same about my stomach)

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You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, 
because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3

King Kong and Family

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Spent yesterday afternoon in Laguna Beach photographing this lovely family.
Two kids and one on the way!  Christine is seven months pregnant, can you tell? :)

Christmas in September

Thoughts along the way

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I've been thinking about cities, and people, and the people living within those cities.  How different things would be had we ended up, or started, somewhere else.  After living in Orange County for four years, the scenery gets a little bland.  Everything's clean, green, perfect.  It's nice being back in a big city where things aren't so perfect all the time.

Woke up by five this morning, ate a quick bowl of cheerios, and headed out to a school in Oceanside.  It's really not so bad once you get used to the sleeping schedule.  Plus I love driving, so this job is a perfect fit for me.  God is so abundant in His blessings!  Still amazed that He hooked a sister up.  Ye-yeah.

Mornings are beautiful, I wish I started waking up sooner.  It was still dark when I left the house, hard to see in the dense fog.  Mornings are beautiful because they're all about the light.  The way the light falls, the amount of light that falls, determines what your eyes see.  By noon, you get the hard shadows and everything's a bright California white until sunset.

Waking up while the rest of the world is still sleeping gets you thinking.

So back to the cities, and the people.

I am but one person living within a city of three million, and even smaller is this city compared to the continent, compared to the world, to the universe, and to our infinite God.  It isn't until I realized how small I was did I realize how big He is.  The light that pours in when you feel the darkest, the most broken, is often the most beautiful because it's the beginning to the light that slowly, but surely, pours into your life as you seek Him.  Slowly, but surely, I think, is how He's been working lately.

God is seldom early, but He's never, ever late.

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Then your light will break forth like the dawn, and your healing will quickly appear; then your righteousness will go before you, and the glory of the LORD will be your rear guard. 
Isaiah 58:8

If it doesn't fit

I tried changing the CF card in my DSLR today, and just about killed it!  The darn card just...wouldn't...go...IN so I tried forcing it in.  Took me a while to realize that as result of my forceful nature, I had bent one of the center pins in the card reader (see right).

My baby!  Costs $200+ to get it fixed by Canon, and up to six weeks to ship it back and forth for repairs -.-  That's nearly half of what I bought it for.

Thankfully, my dad suggested bringing it to a friend's to take a look.  He tried to push the pin upright and accidentally broke it off in the process.  I thought the camera was done for, and not worth $200+ to get it fixed :(  In one last attempt, we tried it out in spite of the missing pin.

Behold, a miracle!  It works again! 

If it doesn't fit, don't force it.  Lesson learned.

Seaside

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I thought about checking into a motel on the drive down today.  The weather was perfect, the sun a golden orb of light, and traffic was atrocious.  How nice it would be, to watch dusk melt into night from the window of some worn, seaside motel room.  To sink into the cool sheets and listen to the sound of my breathing.  How free I'd be.

Some days I just want to be alone, away from the world and all the expectations that come with it.  It's a constant struggle, wanting to get away from the hustle and bustle of the everyday, while feeling incredibly lonely at times.

Lonely, that is.  Not alone.

I am falling, and He is picking me up, and we are learning together, all the same.

True Love Waits

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Now Isaac went out to the field one evening to meditate, and as he looked up, he saw camels approaching.  Rebekah also looked up and saw Isaac.  She got down from her camel and asked the servant, "Who is that man in the field coming to meet us?" 

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Love.  What a twisted idea the world has of you, what I've had of you.
But the light's seeping back, and it feels good to be back at the start.

I'm giving You my dreams, I'm laying down my rights
I'm giving up my pride, for the promise of new life 

Video Blog #1

Day, you've tired me out.

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Was the last to finish setting up during training today, slipped and fell into the stream at the reserve, and skinned a knee falling off my bike in the canyon.  Hahaha. 

Haven't felt this alive in a long time.

2 AM

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This is one of my best friends, Kat.  She let me dress her up and pose her in a prickly field on a chilly day earlier this year.  I'm blessed to have such beautiful friends who are so gracious in letting me use them as my subjects!

I've found in the past that there are few people in life with whom you can easily pick up the conversation where it left off, whether it be days or years.  Others fade in and out, but those few are worth keeping around.  You guys know who you are.  I miss you all like mad.

Well, it's official!  The last box has been unpacked, so I'm officially moved back home.  God has been blessing me abundantly with a smooth transition (praying that the post-college blues won't hit) and also by providing me with a job!  I don't deserve it, but His grace is unending, not to mention He has impeccable timing.

Recently, I found myself trying to predict the ways in which God was going to work next in my life.  I've realized that, well 1. He's not predictable, and also, 2. I'm an idiot for ever thinking that in the first place.  It's a humbling process, seeing that He's working in His own way, His own timing, not in mine.

Life's not an easy ride when you're gripping the reins too tightly.  So loosen up, let go, and hand them over to Someone who knows how to navigate.  You won't know till you try!

Stark, White, Bright

Summertime

From Chicago, with love

It's just after midnight here, and I'm neither awake nor sleepy. Kind of in between the two. I'm sitting in Ama's condo, hair wet with the AC on. From the dining table I can hear the faint ticking of her kitchen clock. From her bedroom, I can hear her snoring.

Ama is our family's rock. I don't think I've ever seen her angry, not even the slightest bit. She always finishes each sentence with a low chuckle (I get it from her), and although she isn't a woman of many words, she knows how to carry a conversation. She is ever patient, generous, and loving, and I don't know how she does it. More than nine years have passed since Grandpa passed away. She was strong then, and she is even stronger now.

I don't really know where this post is going. Kind of parallel to my life right now.
A mumbled, jumbled sort of mess.

Who spends all their time dreaming of life, and love, and things that are barely out of reach with no grasp to reel them in? You never know until you try, but if you try, will you know?

Messes are okay. You just have to clean them up.

Ely, Nevada

Therefore we will not fear, though the earth give way 
and the mountains fall into the heart of the sea
Psalm 46:2

Summer Cooking

I went to Trader Joe's this past week and bought a beautiful potted basil plant for under 4 bucks!  Pre-packaged basil is usually at least 3-4 dollars, and wilts underneath the plastic wrap.  With a basil plant, you can have fresh basil every day, any day.

And so, what would one do with endless amounts of basil?
Make bruschetta, of course!

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Felicia's Summer Bruschetta Recipe
Ingredients:
4 roma tomatoes
2 cloves of garlic
1 cup fresh basil
1/4 cup virgin olive oil
1/4 cup balsamic vinegar
1 loaf coarse whole grain bread
Salt, to taste

1. Wash and dice roma tomatoes, set aside in bowl.
2. Chop basil, add to tomatoes.
3. Stir in 1/4 cup of virgin olive oil & balsamic vinegar.  Add salt to taste.
3. The key to the bruschetta is in the thickness in the bread.  Cut it too thick, and the bread won't fry evenly; cut it too thin and the bread will burn.  Aim to cut into 1/2" slices.
4. Chop off one end of the garlic clove, then rub garlic into each side of the bread. (the coarse bread helps to retain the garlic bits when you rub it into the bread; and when you pan fry it, the flavors come out really nicely)
5. Heat olive oil in frying pan; cook until both sides are a golden brown.
6. Spread tomatoes and basil on top of bread, and eat when it's still hot.

Can you say garlicky deliciousness?

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All Quiet On the Western Front

Today I walked around campus delivering paper, and it was eerie, how empty and quiet it was. Working alone is lonely. Living alone is lonely.

Thinking of, and missing, loved ones.

Balboa Island

Spent the afternoon with these four and had an absolute blast!  I think this one photo sums up the shoot with these fun, beautiful, & intelligent ladies.

Congratulations, class of 2010!  We are DONE!

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My Little June Bugs

Thrift Store Finds

Thrifting is such a great way to re-use old items and materials without having to break the bank.  Not to mention, you can always make alterations and touch-ups to refashion things the way you want.  Why buy things brand new when there are plenty of things that you can recycle and give a new home?  Sometimes, all it takes is a fresh coat of paint or a few stitches to give something new life.

Took a break from studying today to look for some pretty colored tees at a local thrift shop plaza to make more headbands.  Ended up with some pretty neat finds! 

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Antique cream and coral print dining chair, $8.50

Vintage pink ballgown, $7.00

 

Vintage lavender ballgown, $7.00

The pink ballgown had some stains in the back, so I tried spraying a hefty amount of Shout Spray and Wash on the stains.  The dresses were photographed while being hung to dry after going through the wash several times. (Surprisingly, they don't look wet at all!)

Eco-Friendly Headbands

These lovelies are made from pre-washed recycled t-shirts. Three designs available: single braid, double braid, or double braid with decorative knot.

The following colors are currently available (mix and match as you like): Aztec Orange, Cream, Olive Green, Green, Pepper Grey, Slate Blue, Bubble Gum Pink, Hot Pink, Dark Blue, Red, and Canary Yellow.

Custom orders upon request; email me if you have any questions! feliciaycheng(at)gmail.com

$8 each :)