This was taken on day 67 of the year.  Today is day 205.  It's always hard to go through the movements, losing track of time, feeling like there's less and less of it to go around.  College seems like ages ago.  But God is providing, and if this is where He wants me to be right now, this is where I'll stay. 

I miss making art, mainly the freedom I had in which to create it, and the feeling that comes with expressing this certain thought, or emotion, or idea, that I have in my head.  I wonder if people understand what I mean when I say I'm unable to explain something, but I can show it to them through a photograph.  It's as though this idea is sparked in my head, but to complete it I must go through the process of seeing, searching, finding, capturing all at once this indescribable thing and translating it into a visual work.  It feels like breathing, natural, deep, pure.  And at the moment I exhale, the moment I finish a piece of work, I feel relief, and just as the next breath eventually comes, so does the next idea.

Excerpts

But as of now, as of this hour on this day, I am thinking of you,
and wondering if you ever think of me.

things I can't say

I realized today how blind I am in the mornings. Woke up this morning and it felt different. Looked different. The world was a haze and it was really something beautiful. Waking up is usually the same. Cold, quiet. Blurry. I fumble for my phone, check the time, plead with my body to leave the cocoon of warmth it's been laying in. Five, six, seven steps to the door. Reach for the doorknob and feel the carpet under my feet.

Today was not a great day. Everything that could go wrong at work went wrong. Driving back there was a lot on my mind. I feel like it's close to the end, or the beginning of something bigger. And is it selfish to say that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready? My one sole purpose should be to live and glorify God with my life, but each and every day I struggle. I struggle with chasing other things, I struggle with fear. With doubt. Lately I've been feeling numb, which somehow is worse than hurting.

The truth? I want to get out of here. I want to start over.

Day 55

Ties that Bind

I like reading all different sorts of blogs: food blogs, photography blogs, fashion blogs, journal blogs.  When a friend asked me what kind of blog I had, I didn't know which "category" mine fell into.  I'd like to say it's a mixture of everything, struggles I'm going through, travels of the day, random recipes and photographs, but yeah.  I don't know.  It's just me I guess.  And at the same time, it is an edited version of me.  By this I mean that with every website or social network, people post things that they want you to see.  Or at least, they omit the things they don't want you to see.  I need to work on that this year.  Being more real, being more consistent, in bigger ways than just this blog.

It's getting harder to write these days.  On one hand, I'm thinking more and more about expressing myself visually through my 365 project, and on the other, I'm finding myself short of the words that used to come more easily.  Sometimes it's hard to string them together, to get them out.  So...here is me trying to get the words out.  Here is my first "forced post."  Haha.

Motto: if you don't want to do it, sometimes you gotta force yourself to.