The End Times

There's this mockingbird that sings outside my window back at home.  Dad thinks it's obnoxious. (I kind of like it.)  Woke up to the sound of it this morning, in my own room.  My own bed.

The weeks are starting to blend together, and I've been feeling as though I'm suffocating.  But today was good, for a number of reasons.

First, I cleaned out my closet.  Six trash bags, three boxes filled to the brim.  Twenty-one years worth of build-up, clutter, and unnecessary items, either thrown away or donated.  The first sixteen years of stuff was a cinch.  The last five, not so much.  It's weird, how something as small as a wrinkled map with a few sentences written on it can be so hard to toss.  Or a funny picture, from a sunny day so long ago.

Then the next part.  Driving with Dad to Goodwill to get rid of all of it.  My stomach churned as I looked back at the trash bags strewn across the backseat.  Was it a mistake to be so hasty?  To throw everything away?

But it was okay.  It was okay because at that moment, Dad put on my favorite song and asked about my plans for the future.  Which was perfect, because doesn't that beat beating yourself up about the past?  We drove to the drop-off center.  I lugged the bags in, and that was that.

Unfulfilled hopes and failed dreams aren't reasons to stop hoping and stop dreaming.  They're reasons to start back up again.

Day 1

Day 1 of the extreme oatmeal diet has commenced!  Over the course of the next five days (except for a birthday dinner tonight), I will adhere to these three simple rules:

1. Every meal will consist of oatmeal.

Not the sugary, artificial-flavored store bought oatmeal.  
I'm talking 100% rolled oats.  

2. Only fresh fruits and veggies.

Limit 1 fruit and 1 veggie per meal.

3. Beverages allowed: hot tea or water.

No juice or soda.

You may ask how this decision came about.  Well, my friend.  I was at Souplantation last Thursday evening when it dawned on me that I wanted to do something drastic and daring and healthy, all at once!  YES that's right!  My friend Kevin will be joining me in this quest, although by a slightly different set of rules.

Update: It is currently 2:47 in the afternoon, haven't eaten since my bowl of oats this morning at 9:30.  Cravings haven't hit (knock on wood), and I feel quite full and energetic.  

So far so good.

Lessons from a five-year-old

Tyler turned five today.  He was only three when I met him, his brother Chase was still a baby.  Out of the girls who interviewed to be his babysitter, his mom said that he picked me because the other girls were too girly or something.  Nice to know.

I always wanted a younger brother or sister to take care of.  Never knew what it was like to take care of such a small human being.  Didn't know he could cry that hard, or scream so loud.  Some days were unbearably hard to manage him, while others it broke my heart to see him cry when I was about to go.

Tyler's family recently moved into a new home.  It's magnificent, and huge.  White marble tile, spacious kitchen, french shutters mounted on all the windows.  Anyone would say that it's nicer than their old place.  But secretly I miss the house where we spent most of our days together.  It was small, cramped perhaps.  But to me, the new place pales in comparison.  The marble tile feels cold compared to the dingy white carpet we used to run around on.  The kitchen doesn't carry laughter through the rest of the house the way the old one did.  And the light?  The light streamed in beautifully through the old white curtains.  Now it can't get through the wooden shutters.

These days, everyone wants the bigger and better things in life.  But what about the old, the used?  It makes me sad to think of the old house, sitting there with no one wanting to make it their home.  But on to the bigger picture.

I have concluded the following:

1. It is better to be the dingy toy that one child falls in love with than to be the shiny new toy that hundreds of children want.
2.  It is better to wait a while for the dingy toy than to buy the shiny new one that you will eventually tire of.
3.  Realize that it takes a while to find the dingy toy.

Today was different, and I didn't realize until now.  You see, today I was the one holding back tears as I said goodbye, and he was the one trying to console me with his cheeky little grin before I drove away.  He's growing up so fast, and I feel as though I'm stuck.

With June coming so soon, I think that I'm ready to grow up too.
I'm just not ready to say goodbye.

Morning

Kat is sound asleep, and I am making clacking noises on the keyboard. 
Clack clack.  Is is possible to have insomnia in the morning?

Been sitting here with a terrible tummyache, listening to the world wake up for the past hour.  Small changes, like the light getting ever so much stronger while the noises from the street gradually build their way up.  Makes me miss home a bit.

Terrible tummyaches aren't so bad at all, not when you get lost in the sounds and sights around you on a morning like this.

Fantastic Four

While the amount in my savings account is going up, the amount in my checking account does not seem to be following suit.  Here is my plan to reverse the trend (and also to reverse the trend of calories accumulating in my body).

1. No more eating out.

$10 spent eating out for one meal can buy you a week's worth of groceries.

2. No more buying snacks. 

Waste of money, waste of stomach space.  Fruits and veggies instead.

3. Park farther away instead of circling around for a parking spot.  

Will save gas, and therefore money.  Will also give that tush a nice workout.

4. Replace sugary drinks (juice, soda, boba) with water.  

Except for OJ.  Can't live without OJ. 

I'm sure there are more, but these four are at the top of the list for now.  I figure if I follow them, it will be a win-win solution.  Rule #1 will lead to saving money and cooking more at home, which will naturally cancel the need for Rule #2, which will require me to utilize Rule #3 while making trips to the grocery store, which...shoot.  Thought I had something going on there.

I also cut down my hours, with hopes of having more time to be productive outside of work.  Had a nice conversation with a good friend about feeling sluggish in three areas of her life (physical, emotional, school), and wanting to end this trend.  The answer to this, the answer to everything, I told her...was fruits and veggies.  Hahaha.

Times are a-changing, I'm excited.
No but really.  Fruits and veggies.

Tangents

Today was great, I laughed a lot.  Hung out with some cool kids.
But there's something sad inside of me, and I don't quite know why.

It's like I'm so small in this vast expanse of world, and every day it's getting harder and harder not to get swallowed up by it all.  It's not something specific, not something big.  It's more like a series of neverending papercuts, if that makes sense.

My mind is fixated on completing this endless to-do list that is school, and job, and friends, and life.  Categories, it seems.  I'd like to change that.  Life isn't, shouldn't be, a list of to-do's. 

Or is it?