Life in boxes

My hands are rough today, chapped.  Not good for putting on tights.

Tonight I was going through some boxes under my bed and in my closet.  I wonder when we start to outgrow the things we used to love.  Clothes, toys, books.  Ideas.  People, even.  So many things have come and gone, and I hate the inconsistency at times.  There's been enough of it around here.  Sometimes I wish that some things would stay consistent.  I wish people didn't leave, didn't change.

Trusting, leaning, learning.
Psalm 46:1

hungry hungry

Cold nights call for snuggling.  Meet Hungry, my pillow pet!  He has enough fat stores to outlive half the population in a famine.  No wonder why we get along so well, we're practically the same :) I got a blanket pet to keep him company when I'm at work. (top right)

21st of October

Today was just like any other day.  Drove to work, drove back.  Took a nap, went to the lake, ate dinner at home.  A lot of peace and quiet, which is what I've been immersing myself in lately.  I think I'm supposed to write some long, reflective post on the past year and what I learned from it.  Haha.  I thought about making a list of twenty-two things I've learned, but that seems a bit lengthy and my medicine's starting to kick in.  So I thought I'd just write about whatever came to mind.

Last year was so...hard.  I didn't think I'd make it through.  Didn't want to at one point.  It's scary, how easy it is to hide, to pretend that everything is going okay when you're falling apart inside.  One day at work, I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I started this blog as a place to privately store all my thoughts.  I hadn't written in so long, I barely remembered what it felt like.

Reading my old posts brings me back to the thoughts and struggles I went through as I sat and tried to write.  I couldn't really because the walls were still there.  But in the course of the year, so much happened.  This was the year I cracked, the year the Lord put me back together.  This year, He changed my heart.  This year, I could say that I was not ashamed anymore.  I stopped searching, and found my purpose.  I can now give a reason for the hope that I have.

A lot of people ask me how it is living back home, especially with my parents haha.  Truth be said, it's difficult at times.  Some days I wonder how long I'm going to be here.  One year?  Five?  Don't get me wrong, they're the best parents I could ask for.  It's just that often I wonder when the next chapter of my life is going to start, the one dearest to my heart.

Forgive me friends, if I didn't respond to your texts or voicemails today.  I did read and listen to everyone's messages!  It's just that this year was the first I spent time with the Lord, to re-think, praise, and dedicate this next one for Him.  But know that I am blessed by and thankful for each one of you!  Thanks for the love :)

K one more thing before I sleep.

My mom writes a card every year for my birthday.  They always make me tear up a bit, but this year I just about burst into tears when I read the last few lines.  Thank you Mom, for your encouragement.  For being spot on, as stubborn and unyielding as I am.

She ended with this:

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Make a list of your dreams and hopes - 
lift them up in prayer to the Lord 
and see what He will do.  

New beginnings, new heights.

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

Rewind, pause, fast forward

Why are chick flicks so sappy...but so...good...omg.

If you're single they remind you just how, well, single you are haha.   I work with a team of amazing ladies, most of whom are married with kids.  Every day you hear some story about how person X's husband forgot to take the roast out the oven and almost burned down the house, or how person Y's 6-year-old spewed soup all over the dog during dinner.  Or something like that.

Hearing stories like that, spending the majority of my week with women who are older and have settled down, makes me want the future ever so much more.  I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy.  Tired of guys who aren't serious about you or themselves.  Tired of putting years of my life into relationships that in the end, didn't go down the right path.

My greatest struggle this year was giving up my past to the Lord.  Leaving it behind and moving forward with my life was the most freedom I'd ever felt.  Freedom from sin's hold, freedom from fear.  Still I know there is a purpose behind everything, and we wouldn't be the people we are today without the past.  My struggle now is learning to live in the present instead of the future.  Ironic, isn't it?  I know He is forming and molding me in His timing, but sometimes it's so hard to not want to fast forward the process a bit.

Today my co-worker asked what my five year plan was.  I laughed at first, then had to think for a moment.  Nothing really happens the way you plan it, does it?  I can and often do however, dream of what might happen.  There are places to go, people to see, things to experience.  But the one person I want to do it all with just...isn't around yet. 

Please don't laugh.

It's been ages since I picked my guitar up and played, really played.
Please don't laugh.

I want a RC-2 loop station -.-

Fragments of a Rainy Day

It's Wednesday night, sitting on my bed without makeup on.  From here I can feel the cold air from the window across the room.  Mom always closes the window at night.  I like to listen to the sounds it makes when it rains, so I wait until she falls asleep to open it again.

Had the day off today, the house was empty by the time I woke up.  My cold is getting worse.  Felt tired so I mozed around and organized for a bit.  Usually you can tell the day is passing when the light starts shifting across the windows.  Today it was cloudy, so I couldn't read the time.  Went outside to take some photos of the wet pavement, then it started drizzling so I ran back inside.  The house was quiet, empty, but peaceful.  Fell asleep with a book then woke up shivering to the pitter patter.  Laid in bed listening to the rain falling, and lost track of the time.

I remember the last time it rained this much.  The streets flooded so bad they had to close the one to our apartment for a bit.  I miss the apartment with Kat.  I miss our little room, the warm glow of the Christmas lights on her face as we stayed up late talking about the silly things, then the more important things, on our minds and hearts.  Never a moment wasted with her.    

God is so good!  In the moment right before the seemingly impossible, the unbearable, He has always come to my rescue.  What stands in the way of you and our God?  What is of Him, and what is not?  Seek wholeheartedly, and you will find Him.

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Jeremiah 29:13