Fourteen Years Later

Tiny toes curve around my fingers

A nose crinkles as a little voice counts raspberries on fingertips

Laughter erupts from the next room

His hand holds mine

Home, at last

Bits and Pieces

Sometimes I lose myself looking at other people's blogs. There are worlds and worlds
of stories, photographs, and bits and pieces of life to find out there on the great wide web.
And then I step outside, and see wonders anew.

Like the way the morning light plays on the sidewalk when I leave for work.
Or how the water gently laps at my toes on the seashore.

If I could live a past life, I'd pick one long before this time. Long before In-N-Out,and
Spicy Cheetos, and Instagram.   Don't get me wrong, technology is a wonderful thing.
I would just like to experience a world, without it.

On another note, my heart is very happy as of late.<3

Roads

My room has become a cave of sorts.  Today I spent the morning sitting on the floor of the library, reading a stack of cookbooks.  Tonight, my tum hurts (what else is new!) and Hillsong is attempting to appease it in the background.

I feel...out of it.  Felt out of it for quite a while.  Like, seriously six months since I last wrote?  Some friends wonder why I haven't called them in weeks...and I'm thinking, didn't we talk last Tuesday?  Time tracking is usually not this bad, but wow it's been bad.  Sorry guys.

Something on my mind- each year that passes, I feel a little bit of something sucked out of me.  Energy, hope, time, I don't know what it is.  But I always miss the year that came before, and what left with it.  In a way, I miss all that was, and it's a battle each day trying not to anymore.   I feel like a child trapped in a grown-up's body, but with strange thoughts sometimes and always, the impulse to be free.

On another note, I'm thinking of writing something.  Not unlike the things I write on here, random thoughts here and there, but more of a story about unrequited love.  "Roads to You."  Something like that.

This was taken on day 67 of the year.  Today is day 205.  It's always hard to go through the movements, losing track of time, feeling like there's less and less of it to go around.  College seems like ages ago.  But God is providing, and if this is where He wants me to be right now, this is where I'll stay. 

I miss making art, mainly the freedom I had in which to create it, and the feeling that comes with expressing this certain thought, or emotion, or idea, that I have in my head.  I wonder if people understand what I mean when I say I'm unable to explain something, but I can show it to them through a photograph.  It's as though this idea is sparked in my head, but to complete it I must go through the process of seeing, searching, finding, capturing all at once this indescribable thing and translating it into a visual work.  It feels like breathing, natural, deep, pure.  And at the moment I exhale, the moment I finish a piece of work, I feel relief, and just as the next breath eventually comes, so does the next idea.

Excerpts

But as of now, as of this hour on this day, I am thinking of you,
and wondering if you ever think of me.

things I can't say

I realized today how blind I am in the mornings. Woke up this morning and it felt different. Looked different. The world was a haze and it was really something beautiful. Waking up is usually the same. Cold, quiet. Blurry. I fumble for my phone, check the time, plead with my body to leave the cocoon of warmth it's been laying in. Five, six, seven steps to the door. Reach for the doorknob and feel the carpet under my feet.

Today was not a great day. Everything that could go wrong at work went wrong. Driving back there was a lot on my mind. I feel like it's close to the end, or the beginning of something bigger. And is it selfish to say that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready? My one sole purpose should be to live and glorify God with my life, but each and every day I struggle. I struggle with chasing other things, I struggle with fear. With doubt. Lately I've been feeling numb, which somehow is worse than hurting.

The truth? I want to get out of here. I want to start over.

Day 55

Ties that Bind

I like reading all different sorts of blogs: food blogs, photography blogs, fashion blogs, journal blogs.  When a friend asked me what kind of blog I had, I didn't know which "category" mine fell into.  I'd like to say it's a mixture of everything, struggles I'm going through, travels of the day, random recipes and photographs, but yeah.  I don't know.  It's just me I guess.  And at the same time, it is an edited version of me.  By this I mean that with every website or social network, people post things that they want you to see.  Or at least, they omit the things they don't want you to see.  I need to work on that this year.  Being more real, being more consistent, in bigger ways than just this blog.

It's getting harder to write these days.  On one hand, I'm thinking more and more about expressing myself visually through my 365 project, and on the other, I'm finding myself short of the words that used to come more easily.  Sometimes it's hard to string them together, to get them out.  So...here is me trying to get the words out.  Here is my first "forced post."  Haha.

Motto: if you don't want to do it, sometimes you gotta force yourself to.

Life in boxes

My hands are rough today, chapped.  Not good for putting on tights.

Tonight I was going through some boxes under my bed and in my closet.  I wonder when we start to outgrow the things we used to love.  Clothes, toys, books.  Ideas.  People, even.  So many things have come and gone, and I hate the inconsistency at times.  There's been enough of it around here.  Sometimes I wish that some things would stay consistent.  I wish people didn't leave, didn't change.

Trusting, leaning, learning.
Psalm 46:1

hungry hungry

Cold nights call for snuggling.  Meet Hungry, my pillow pet!  He has enough fat stores to outlive half the population in a famine.  No wonder why we get along so well, we're practically the same :) I got a blanket pet to keep him company when I'm at work. (top right)

21st of October

Today was just like any other day.  Drove to work, drove back.  Took a nap, went to the lake, ate dinner at home.  A lot of peace and quiet, which is what I've been immersing myself in lately.  I think I'm supposed to write some long, reflective post on the past year and what I learned from it.  Haha.  I thought about making a list of twenty-two things I've learned, but that seems a bit lengthy and my medicine's starting to kick in.  So I thought I'd just write about whatever came to mind.

Last year was so...hard.  I didn't think I'd make it through.  Didn't want to at one point.  It's scary, how easy it is to hide, to pretend that everything is going okay when you're falling apart inside.  One day at work, I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I started this blog as a place to privately store all my thoughts.  I hadn't written in so long, I barely remembered what it felt like.

Reading my old posts brings me back to the thoughts and struggles I went through as I sat and tried to write.  I couldn't really because the walls were still there.  But in the course of the year, so much happened.  This was the year I cracked, the year the Lord put me back together.  This year, He changed my heart.  This year, I could say that I was not ashamed anymore.  I stopped searching, and found my purpose.  I can now give a reason for the hope that I have.

A lot of people ask me how it is living back home, especially with my parents haha.  Truth be said, it's difficult at times.  Some days I wonder how long I'm going to be here.  One year?  Five?  Don't get me wrong, they're the best parents I could ask for.  It's just that often I wonder when the next chapter of my life is going to start, the one dearest to my heart.

Forgive me friends, if I didn't respond to your texts or voicemails today.  I did read and listen to everyone's messages!  It's just that this year was the first I spent time with the Lord, to re-think, praise, and dedicate this next one for Him.  But know that I am blessed by and thankful for each one of you!  Thanks for the love :)

K one more thing before I sleep.

My mom writes a card every year for my birthday.  They always make me tear up a bit, but this year I just about burst into tears when I read the last few lines.  Thank you Mom, for your encouragement.  For being spot on, as stubborn and unyielding as I am.

She ended with this:

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Make a list of your dreams and hopes - 
lift them up in prayer to the Lord 
and see what He will do.  

New beginnings, new heights.

Love Always,
Mom and Dad

Rewind, pause, fast forward

Why are chick flicks so sappy...but so...good...omg.

If you're single they remind you just how, well, single you are haha.   I work with a team of amazing ladies, most of whom are married with kids.  Every day you hear some story about how person X's husband forgot to take the roast out the oven and almost burned down the house, or how person Y's 6-year-old spewed soup all over the dog during dinner.  Or something like that.

Hearing stories like that, spending the majority of my week with women who are older and have settled down, makes me want the future ever so much more.  I'm tired of falling for the wrong guy.  Tired of guys who aren't serious about you or themselves.  Tired of putting years of my life into relationships that in the end, didn't go down the right path.

My greatest struggle this year was giving up my past to the Lord.  Leaving it behind and moving forward with my life was the most freedom I'd ever felt.  Freedom from sin's hold, freedom from fear.  Still I know there is a purpose behind everything, and we wouldn't be the people we are today without the past.  My struggle now is learning to live in the present instead of the future.  Ironic, isn't it?  I know He is forming and molding me in His timing, but sometimes it's so hard to not want to fast forward the process a bit.

Today my co-worker asked what my five year plan was.  I laughed at first, then had to think for a moment.  Nothing really happens the way you plan it, does it?  I can and often do however, dream of what might happen.  There are places to go, people to see, things to experience.  But the one person I want to do it all with just...isn't around yet. 

Please don't laugh.

It's been ages since I picked my guitar up and played, really played.
Please don't laugh.

I want a RC-2 loop station -.-

Fragments of a Rainy Day

It's Wednesday night, sitting on my bed without makeup on.  From here I can feel the cold air from the window across the room.  Mom always closes the window at night.  I like to listen to the sounds it makes when it rains, so I wait until she falls asleep to open it again.

Had the day off today, the house was empty by the time I woke up.  My cold is getting worse.  Felt tired so I mozed around and organized for a bit.  Usually you can tell the day is passing when the light starts shifting across the windows.  Today it was cloudy, so I couldn't read the time.  Went outside to take some photos of the wet pavement, then it started drizzling so I ran back inside.  The house was quiet, empty, but peaceful.  Fell asleep with a book then woke up shivering to the pitter patter.  Laid in bed listening to the rain falling, and lost track of the time.

I remember the last time it rained this much.  The streets flooded so bad they had to close the one to our apartment for a bit.  I miss the apartment with Kat.  I miss our little room, the warm glow of the Christmas lights on her face as we stayed up late talking about the silly things, then the more important things, on our minds and hearts.  Never a moment wasted with her.    

God is so good!  In the moment right before the seemingly impossible, the unbearable, He has always come to my rescue.  What stands in the way of you and our God?  What is of Him, and what is not?  Seek wholeheartedly, and you will find Him.

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Jeremiah 29:13

Early Mornings

My body has fallen into the routine of getting up by five, so this is considered sleeping in for me. -.-

This week was the most difficult one in a while, struggled with just about everything I've been working so hard to change.  My body feels weak, physically spent.  Emotionally drained, and spiritually struggling.  I was clearing out my inbox and came across this one email from Kat, and thought I'd share it.

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feesh<3 

i came across this facebook status and it reminded me of the trials that life often throws at us but we do have hope in our Maker :) i hope you find encouragement in it.

“And he shall sit as a refiner and purifier of silver” – Malachi 3:3

This verse puzzled some women in a Bible study and they wondered what this statement meant about the character and nature of God.  One of the women offered to find out the process of refining silver and get back to the group at their next Bible study.

That week, the woman called a silversmith and made an appointment to watch him at work.  She didn’t mention anything about the reason for her interest beyond her curiosity about the process of refining silver.  As she watched the silversmith, he held a piece of silver over the fire and let it heat up, He explained that in refining silver, one needed to hold the silver in the middle of the fire where the flames were hottest as to burn away all the impurities.  The woman thought about God holding us in such a hot spot then she thought again about the verse that says: “He sits as a refiner and purifier of silver.”  She asked the silversmith if it was true that he had to sit there in front of the fire the whole time the silver was being refined.  The man answered that yes, he not only had to sit there holding the silver, but he had to keep his eyes on the silver the entire time it was in the fire.  If the silver was left a moment too long in the flames, it would be destroyed.

The woman was silent for a moment.  Then she asked the silversmith, “How do you know when the silver is fully refined?”  He smiled at her and answered, “Oh, that’s easy–when I see my image in it.”

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Such an encouragement to read Kat, even months later :)  In the process of being tested, refined, He is right there.  All the world seems to fall away when your eyes are on Jesus.

On another note, really enjoying the weather cool-down!  Autumn and winter are my favorite seasons.  Pretty much because of the weather...haha kidding, but I could go on about winter and Christmastime.  Eager for Christmastime this year.

Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

Owned.

Easy, queasy

It's 11 AM, sitting in a heap of feathers and fabric playing Bizarre Love Triangle on repeat.  80's music is the bomb!  My stomach however, is not feeling too hot.

Made blueberry banana pancakes for the brother this morning, felt like old times.  Chris is home for about a week, then back to New York to finish up his last year at SUNY.  It's nice having someone else at home.  Ever since he left I've felt like an only child, surrounded by the eerie quiet of the empty house.

Life is going great, really great.  It's crazy how everything starts falling into place as you put your trust back into the Lord.  And not in the way you anticipate either.  Recently He's been teaching me to care more about the things that really matter, and less about the things that don't.  I'm at the place in my walk where I'm re-learning what it means to be right with God, to walk alongside Him without expectations or hidden agendas, without doubt.  I've been awakened, gently, from this previous year of being stagnant in my faith, by a Sovereign God whose love is steadfast, His grace unyielding.  I'm doing things I haven't done in years.  I feel refreshed.

(Wish I could say the same about my stomach)

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You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, 
because he trusts in You.
Isaiah 26:3

King Kong and Family

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Spent yesterday afternoon in Laguna Beach photographing this lovely family.
Two kids and one on the way!  Christine is seven months pregnant, can you tell? :)

Christmas in September