I realized today how blind I am in the mornings. Woke up this morning and it felt different. Looked different. The world was a haze and it was really something beautiful. Waking up is usually the same. Cold, quiet. Blurry. I fumble for my phone, check the time, plead with my body to leave the cocoon of warmth it's been laying in. Five, six, seven steps to the door. Reach for the doorknob and feel the carpet under my feet.
Today was not a great day. Everything that could go wrong at work went wrong. Driving back there was a lot on my mind. I feel like it's close to the end, or the beginning of something bigger. And is it selfish to say that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready? My one sole purpose should be to live and glorify God with my life, but each and every day I struggle. I struggle with chasing other things, I struggle with fear. With doubt. Lately I've been feeling numb, which somehow is worse than hurting.
The truth? I want to get out of here. I want to start over.
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
Monday, February 28, 2011
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Ties that Bind
I like reading all different sorts of blogs: food blogs, photography blogs, fashion blogs, journal blogs. When a friend asked me what kind of blog I had, I didn't know which "category" mine fell into. I'd like to say it's a mixture of everything, struggles I'm going through, travels of the day, random recipes and photographs, but yeah. I don't know. It's just me I guess. And at the same time, it is an edited version of me. By this I mean that with every website or social network, people post things that they want you to see. Or at least, they omit the things they don't want you to see. I need to work on that this year. Being more real, being more consistent, in bigger ways than just this blog.
It's getting harder to write these days. On one hand, I'm thinking more and more about expressing myself visually through my 365 project, and on the other, I'm finding myself short of the words that used to come more easily. Sometimes it's hard to string them together, to get them out. So...here is me trying to get the words out. Here is my first "forced post." Haha.
Motto: if you don't want to do it, sometimes you gotta force yourself to.
It's getting harder to write these days. On one hand, I'm thinking more and more about expressing myself visually through my 365 project, and on the other, I'm finding myself short of the words that used to come more easily. Sometimes it's hard to string them together, to get them out. So...here is me trying to get the words out. Here is my first "forced post." Haha.
Motto: if you don't want to do it, sometimes you gotta force yourself to.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Life in boxes
Tonight I was going through some boxes under my bed and in my closet. I wonder when we start to outgrow the things we used to love. Clothes, toys, books. Ideas. People, even. So many things have come and gone, and I hate the inconsistency at times. There's been enough of it around here. Sometimes I wish that some things would stay consistent. I wish people didn't leave, didn't change.
Trusting, leaning, learning.
Psalm 46:1
Monday, November 08, 2010
hungry hungry
Cold nights call for snuggling. Meet Hungry, my pillow pet! He has enough fat stores to outlive half the population in a famine. No wonder why we get along so well, we're practically the same :) I got a blanket pet to keep him company when I'm at work. (top right)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
21st of October
Today was just like any other day. Drove to work, drove back. Took a nap, went to the lake, ate dinner at home. A lot of peace and quiet, which is what I've been immersing myself in lately. I think I'm supposed to write some long, reflective post on the past year and what I learned from it. Haha. I thought about making a list of twenty-two things I've learned, but that seems a bit lengthy and my medicine's starting to kick in. So I thought I'd just write about whatever came to mind.
Last year was so...hard. I didn't think I'd make it through. Didn't want to at one point. It's scary, how easy it is to hide, to pretend that everything is going okay when you're falling apart inside. One day at work, I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I started this blog as a place to privately store all my thoughts. I hadn't written in so long, I barely remembered what it felt like.
Reading my old posts brings me back to the thoughts and struggles I went through as I sat and tried to write. I couldn't really because the walls were still there. But in the course of the year, so much happened. This was the year I cracked, the year the Lord put me back together. This year, He changed my heart. This year, I could say that I was not ashamed anymore. I stopped searching, and found my purpose. I can now give a reason for the hope that I have.
A lot of people ask me how it is living back home, especially with my parents haha. Truth be said, it's difficult at times. Some days I wonder how long I'm going to be here. One year? Five? Don't get me wrong, they're the best parents I could ask for. It's just that often I wonder when the next chapter of my life is going to start, the one dearest to my heart.
Forgive me friends, if I didn't respond to your texts or voicemails today. I did read and listen to everyone's messages! It's just that this year was the first I spent time with the Lord, to re-think, praise, and dedicate this next one for Him. But know that I am blessed by and thankful for each one of you! Thanks for the love :)
K one more thing before I sleep.
My mom writes a card every year for my birthday. They always make me tear up a bit, but this year I just about burst into tears when I read the last few lines. Thank you Mom, for your encouragement. For being spot on, as stubborn and unyielding as I am.
She ended with this:
Make a list of your dreams and hopes -
lift them up in prayer to the Lord
and see what He will do.
New beginnings, new heights.
Love Always,
Mom and Dad
Last year was so...hard. I didn't think I'd make it through. Didn't want to at one point. It's scary, how easy it is to hide, to pretend that everything is going okay when you're falling apart inside. One day at work, I felt so overwhelmed with everything that I started this blog as a place to privately store all my thoughts. I hadn't written in so long, I barely remembered what it felt like.
Reading my old posts brings me back to the thoughts and struggles I went through as I sat and tried to write. I couldn't really because the walls were still there. But in the course of the year, so much happened. This was the year I cracked, the year the Lord put me back together. This year, He changed my heart. This year, I could say that I was not ashamed anymore. I stopped searching, and found my purpose. I can now give a reason for the hope that I have.
A lot of people ask me how it is living back home, especially with my parents haha. Truth be said, it's difficult at times. Some days I wonder how long I'm going to be here. One year? Five? Don't get me wrong, they're the best parents I could ask for. It's just that often I wonder when the next chapter of my life is going to start, the one dearest to my heart.
Forgive me friends, if I didn't respond to your texts or voicemails today. I did read and listen to everyone's messages! It's just that this year was the first I spent time with the Lord, to re-think, praise, and dedicate this next one for Him. But know that I am blessed by and thankful for each one of you! Thanks for the love :)
K one more thing before I sleep.
My mom writes a card every year for my birthday. They always make me tear up a bit, but this year I just about burst into tears when I read the last few lines. Thank you Mom, for your encouragement. For being spot on, as stubborn and unyielding as I am.
She ended with this:
Make a list of your dreams and hopes -
lift them up in prayer to the Lord
and see what He will do.
New beginnings, new heights.
Love Always,
Mom and Dad
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
