Lessons from a five-year-old

Tyler turned five today.  He was only three when I met him, his brother Chase was still a baby.  Out of the girls who interviewed to be his babysitter, his mom said that he picked me because the other girls were too girly or something.  Nice to know.

I always wanted a younger brother or sister to take care of.  Never knew what it was like to take care of such a small human being.  Didn't know he could cry that hard, or scream so loud.  Some days were unbearably hard to manage him, while others it broke my heart to see him cry when I was about to go.

Tyler's family recently moved into a new home.  It's magnificent, and huge.  White marble tile, spacious kitchen, french shutters mounted on all the windows.  Anyone would say that it's nicer than their old place.  But secretly I miss the house where we spent most of our days together.  It was small, cramped perhaps.  But to me, the new place pales in comparison.  The marble tile feels cold compared to the dingy white carpet we used to run around on.  The kitchen doesn't carry laughter through the rest of the house the way the old one did.  And the light?  The light streamed in beautifully through the old white curtains.  Now it can't get through the wooden shutters.

These days, everyone wants the bigger and better things in life.  But what about the old, the used?  It makes me sad to think of the old house, sitting there with no one wanting to make it their home.  But on to the bigger picture.

I have concluded the following:

1. It is better to be the dingy toy that one child falls in love with than to be the shiny new toy that hundreds of children want.
2.  It is better to wait a while for the dingy toy than to buy the shiny new one that you will eventually tire of.
3.  Realize that it takes a while to find the dingy toy.

Today was different, and I didn't realize until now.  You see, today I was the one holding back tears as I said goodbye, and he was the one trying to console me with his cheeky little grin before I drove away.  He's growing up so fast, and I feel as though I'm stuck.

With June coming so soon, I think that I'm ready to grow up too.
I'm just not ready to say goodbye.

Morning

Kat is sound asleep, and I am making clacking noises on the keyboard. 
Clack clack.  Is is possible to have insomnia in the morning?

Been sitting here with a terrible tummyache, listening to the world wake up for the past hour.  Small changes, like the light getting ever so much stronger while the noises from the street gradually build their way up.  Makes me miss home a bit.

Terrible tummyaches aren't so bad at all, not when you get lost in the sounds and sights around you on a morning like this.

Fantastic Four

While the amount in my savings account is going up, the amount in my checking account does not seem to be following suit.  Here is my plan to reverse the trend (and also to reverse the trend of calories accumulating in my body).

1. No more eating out.

$10 spent eating out for one meal can buy you a week's worth of groceries.

2. No more buying snacks. 

Waste of money, waste of stomach space.  Fruits and veggies instead.

3. Park farther away instead of circling around for a parking spot.  

Will save gas, and therefore money.  Will also give that tush a nice workout.

4. Replace sugary drinks (juice, soda, boba) with water.  

Except for OJ.  Can't live without OJ. 

I'm sure there are more, but these four are at the top of the list for now.  I figure if I follow them, it will be a win-win solution.  Rule #1 will lead to saving money and cooking more at home, which will naturally cancel the need for Rule #2, which will require me to utilize Rule #3 while making trips to the grocery store, which...shoot.  Thought I had something going on there.

I also cut down my hours, with hopes of having more time to be productive outside of work.  Had a nice conversation with a good friend about feeling sluggish in three areas of her life (physical, emotional, school), and wanting to end this trend.  The answer to this, the answer to everything, I told her...was fruits and veggies.  Hahaha.

Times are a-changing, I'm excited.
No but really.  Fruits and veggies.

Tangents

Today was great, I laughed a lot.  Hung out with some cool kids.
But there's something sad inside of me, and I don't quite know why.

It's like I'm so small in this vast expanse of world, and every day it's getting harder and harder not to get swallowed up by it all.  It's not something specific, not something big.  It's more like a series of neverending papercuts, if that makes sense.

My mind is fixated on completing this endless to-do list that is school, and job, and friends, and life.  Categories, it seems.  I'd like to change that.  Life isn't, shouldn't be, a list of to-do's. 

Or is it?

Excess

So I figured out that I literally have 6+ passwords for aim, facebook, xanga, blogspot, photobucket, and countless other social networking sites I don't even remember signing up for. I have had a total of four xangas, two of which whose passwords I don't remember, one of which I do, and one of which I am banned from because I tried to log in too many times with the wrong password. Let's have a look.

1st screenname: guitarstar77

followed by:

wasabiobsessed

iggythemuchacho

feeshburped

dehydratedapple

and now finally, feeshingpole

1st email: guitarstar77@aol.com

followed by:

iggythemuchacho@aol.com (I know, what was I thinking)

feeshburped@yahoo.com

the.feesh@gmail.com

and now finally, feliciaycheng@gmail.com

Do you see a correlation? I just realized it's probably a bad idea to be posting all of these online. -.- But then again, I wanted to make my point. How...ridiculous! But on to other things.

The sky is pretty today, the perfect shade of blue with a cloud thrown in here and there. Just walked over to Natural Sciences 2 to pick up my delayed paycheck, then realized how bright my red shoes ($9 from Target) looked against the bland tiles. Mondays are always the same. Work, is always the same. Check copiers in McGaugh, go up the elevator in Nat Sci 2, then down the stairs for a little breather and back into the office. Then the day continues- sit at a computer for another four hours, helping the occasional customer and doing odds and ends around the office. Some days pass rather quickly, others, not so much.

My favorite part of the day is the walk back to my car, which is parked on the other side of campus. It's perfect because it's golden hour, the last hour of sunset in the day. The campus is shrouded in beautiful light, and nothing is prettier than light cascading over it all, ever so gently.

I would elaborate, but I have a stack of articles to bind before I take off.

Then...back to figuring out the rest of these passwords.

Chapters

There are those who want giant castles to build their homes in, with all their grandeur and gold. There are those who want freedom to roam and discover life as they see fit. Then there are those who can't see past tomorrow. Home. It's the idea of it, really. At this age, at this point, I've never felt more out of place, more far from the idea of it. Home doesn't feel like home anymore, school doesn't feel like home. I'm slowly phasing out of this phase, and it's never felt so strange.

What can you give to life that hasn't been given? What do you want from life? I've been thinking about it recently, about what I want, about what I want to give back. I don't need fame, I don't need acclaim. I'd rather live surrounded by the few I love most.

It's funny how there are women who run from age, who try to delay its arrival at whatever means necessary. I think I'm looking forward to it. I want those little wrinkles around my eyes, that silvery white head of hair. These little things are precious, evidence of years of laughter, wisdom that comes with years of experience.

Life comes in chapters.

You finish one, you move on to the next.