things I can't say

I realized today how blind I am in the mornings. Woke up this morning and it felt different. Looked different. The world was a haze and it was really something beautiful. Waking up is usually the same. Cold, quiet. Blurry. I fumble for my phone, check the time, plead with my body to leave the cocoon of warmth it's been laying in. Five, six, seven steps to the door. Reach for the doorknob and feel the carpet under my feet.

Today was not a great day. Everything that could go wrong at work went wrong. Driving back there was a lot on my mind. I feel like it's close to the end, or the beginning of something bigger. And is it selfish to say that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready? My one sole purpose should be to live and glorify God with my life, but each and every day I struggle. I struggle with chasing other things, I struggle with fear. With doubt. Lately I've been feeling numb, which somehow is worse than hurting.

The truth? I want to get out of here. I want to start over.