Bits and Pieces

Sometimes I lose myself looking at other people's blogs. There are worlds and worlds
of stories, photographs, and bits and pieces of life to find out there on the great wide web.
And then I step outside, and see wonders anew.

Like the way the morning light plays on the sidewalk when I leave for work.
Or how the water gently laps at my toes on the seashore.

If I could live a past life, I'd pick one long before this time. Long before In-N-Out,and
Spicy Cheetos, and Instagram.   Don't get me wrong, technology is a wonderful thing.
I would just like to experience a world, without it.

On another note, my heart is very happy as of late.<3

Roads

My room has become a cave of sorts.  Today I spent the morning sitting on the floor of the library, reading a stack of cookbooks.  Tonight, my tum hurts (what else is new!) and Hillsong is attempting to appease it in the background.

I feel...out of it.  Felt out of it for quite a while.  Like, seriously six months since I last wrote?  Some friends wonder why I haven't called them in weeks...and I'm thinking, didn't we talk last Tuesday?  Time tracking is usually not this bad, but wow it's been bad.  Sorry guys.

Something on my mind- each year that passes, I feel a little bit of something sucked out of me.  Energy, hope, time, I don't know what it is.  But I always miss the year that came before, and what left with it.  In a way, I miss all that was, and it's a battle each day trying not to anymore.   I feel like a child trapped in a grown-up's body, but with strange thoughts sometimes and always, the impulse to be free.

On another note, I'm thinking of writing something.  Not unlike the things I write on here, random thoughts here and there, but more of a story about unrequited love.  "Roads to You."  Something like that.

This was taken on day 67 of the year.  Today is day 205.  It's always hard to go through the movements, losing track of time, feeling like there's less and less of it to go around.  College seems like ages ago.  But God is providing, and if this is where He wants me to be right now, this is where I'll stay. 

I miss making art, mainly the freedom I had in which to create it, and the feeling that comes with expressing this certain thought, or emotion, or idea, that I have in my head.  I wonder if people understand what I mean when I say I'm unable to explain something, but I can show it to them through a photograph.  It's as though this idea is sparked in my head, but to complete it I must go through the process of seeing, searching, finding, capturing all at once this indescribable thing and translating it into a visual work.  It feels like breathing, natural, deep, pure.  And at the moment I exhale, the moment I finish a piece of work, I feel relief, and just as the next breath eventually comes, so does the next idea.

Excerpts

But as of now, as of this hour on this day, I am thinking of you,
and wondering if you ever think of me.

things I can't say

I realized today how blind I am in the mornings. Woke up this morning and it felt different. Looked different. The world was a haze and it was really something beautiful. Waking up is usually the same. Cold, quiet. Blurry. I fumble for my phone, check the time, plead with my body to leave the cocoon of warmth it's been laying in. Five, six, seven steps to the door. Reach for the doorknob and feel the carpet under my feet.

Today was not a great day. Everything that could go wrong at work went wrong. Driving back there was a lot on my mind. I feel like it's close to the end, or the beginning of something bigger. And is it selfish to say that sometimes I feel like I'm not ready? My one sole purpose should be to live and glorify God with my life, but each and every day I struggle. I struggle with chasing other things, I struggle with fear. With doubt. Lately I've been feeling numb, which somehow is worse than hurting.

The truth? I want to get out of here. I want to start over.